FATHER EVERY TWO YEARS

“Hindi nyo naranasan ang kagaguhan ng tatay nyo habang lumalaki kayo, ngayong nandito ako makikita nyo!”

Midnight, and his voice is trembling all over the house. My brother just got scolded from being awake doing kitchen rampage for midnight snack (which is basically, his daily routine) making lots of noise which disturbed the man’s sleep. For quite a long time, I have been accustomed living without a father. And so, a trembling voice injected fear in me. I was scared even if I’m aware the shout is not directed to me.

17 years. My father worked abroad for those long years. He would have 2 months of vacation every two years. I have to admit, I am not entirely aware of the person in him. All I know is he has been a good son to his parents, a good husband to my mom and a good provider to us. I said provider, not father. I don’t know, but I feel awkward having him around. It sucks, but it feels like we have a stranger in the house. I know this is a typical “Anak” plot, but I never thought I’d contain a symmetrical character.

I want to burst and tell him- this has been the way we live for years of your physical absence, so don’t expect us to change just because your around! But that would be rude even if i use “po” in between my lines. Above all, it’s not right for us to question his absence because he left to provide for us and that’s what a father would do. I just resent the fact that we are not that close. I hate the idea of sitting with him in the table and be silent all the time.

He has been taking medicines, he has been going back to the hospital because his a little sick. He looks sad all the time because the doctor told him to stop smoking. I know how hard it is for a smoker to suddenly drop the habit. I wish i could somehow tap him in the back and say, “okay lang yan ‘tay! Here’s a gum.”